R is still hoping like hell that this lack of a period is pregnancy. I keep trying to tell him he's insane. He should know by now that me being late is never a sign of anything good, thats how we figured this out isnt it? But he's hopeful. He wants more children so bad. I feel like such a failure that I'm having such a hard time providing them. He's good about it, but he cant hide the disappointment some days. I cant wait for the day I can finally show him a positive test.
As strange as this is, I've come to think of my not-yet-conceived child as Peanut. Since my miscarriage all those days ago I've had so many dreams of P. Mostly just conversations, weird signs of things that are going to happen. Its comforting in a way, to know somewhere, Peanut is waiting for me, for my body to be ready, and to finally be in my arms where they belong.
R and I have worked out a rough plan for our conceiving plans. We are going to:
- try conceiving naturally for the next two years, with no help
- start medication for fertility after our wedding in 2012
- if that fails, we'll begin looking into our next options
- IF by some god given mistake we dont ever conceive after exhausting all options, we'll look into adoption.
We want a family of our own, and if adoption turns out to be our only choice, then we're okay with that. We just dont want to give up without giving it our all.
Other than all that, we're hoping to move this upcoming year! I cannot wait to be in a bigger place. Even though it'll still only be renting for now, I just want a place thats bigger than this. To give H more room to play, to give me a bigger kitchen. I love cooking and being in the kitchen but ours is so tiny its frustrating. Its hard to be creative when I'm eating healthy when just getting into my kitchen depresses me. And on top of all that, if we got pregnant by chance in the next two years, there is absolutely no room in here for a baby. The bedrooms are too tiny, both ours and H's. Theres not even room for a bassinet, let alone a crib. So we're loooking for a bigger 2 bedroom after Christmas. We ideally want a three bedroom when we get pregnant but that could be years from now, so we just want a two bedroom big enough to be used if a surprise pregnancy DOES occur. And big enough where I can be a hostess without having people cramped in our tiny living room.
Its going to be a year of changes. My diet has changed drastically. Not to say I'm on a diet, but everything I"m eating has changed due to what my stomach can and cannot handle on the Metformin. In March, R has hinted at getting me a Wii and Wii Fit Plus for my birthday, so that will be nice for my workouts. I do alot of yoga, but I'd like to find a new workout so I'm not getting so bored.
If R doesnt get his promotion in January like promised he'll be looking for a new job. Which means a shaky transition period that I'm hoping will take place BEFORE we move instead of afterwards. I want our finances in good standing before moving to a place that will cost us more money.
I suppose that is all for now.
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