Footprints

Let me begin with a quick story. Early November, I had gone to Walmart with my mother, and as usual wandered into the book section to browse. I picked up a book of daily quotes because the cover caught my eye, and it fell open to July 3rd.

Life has a funny way of sometimes leading us down the paths we least want to go.
But regardless of where you are today, it is still possible to gain wisdom from
the around you, and to grow, come the rain, the dew, the darkness and the light.

The moment I read that page, I knew I had to have this book. July 3rd was the date many years ago of the "event". The rape and miscarriage that shaped the rest of my teenage years and my adulthood. It spoke to me.

I spoke about this to R when I got home that night, unable to contain the amazement in my voice. That page was the only one in the book I read. The first page it fell open to. It was like a sign of some sort and I had to have this book.

Come Christmas morning, I unwrapped exactly that.

So. My posts will occassionally contain the daily quote or message from the day, and my thoughts surrounding it.

I feel odd, having such an urge, or magnetism towards a book. Its never happened to me before, but it was like an itch that needed to be scratched. That was not soothed until it was in my hands and taken home.

This book was my second favourite gift I recieved this Christmas. My first favourite being the charm and necklace I recieved from H.

The author, is of course talented as could be. She wrote the well known "Footprints" poem.

One night I dreamed a dream,
I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets
of footprints in the sand,one belonging to me
and one to my Lord.

When the last scene of my life shot before me
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
There was only one set of footprints.
I realized that this was at the lowest
and saddest times of my life.
This always bothered me
and I questioned the Lord
about my dilemma.

“Lord, you told me when I decided to follow You,
You would walk and talk with me all the way.
But I'm aware that during the most troublesome
times of my life there is only one set of footprints.
I just don't understand why, when I needed You most,
You leave me.”

He whispered, “My precious child,
I love you and will never leave you
never, ever, during your trials and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints
it was then that I carried you.”

And have I mentioned I hate my apartment...

R had the day off today. So instead of relaxing, celebrating New Years day, we did some much needed after holiday cleaning. Trust me when I say much needed.

After this, I sent a wonderful New Years gift to my Super. A one page letter detailing only the beginning of the repairs this apartment needs. Now, dont get me wrong. I'm a handy girl. And I will do the majority of the small fixer upper projects around the house to keep myself busy while R is at work during the day or evening. I can fix a broken sink, clean out clogged drains, etc etc. But, well let me know you my list and you'll realize my frustration.

1. Upon scrubbing my bathtub today, I noticed the paint peeling back from a spot in the drywall beside it. Looking behind this peeling paint, I see wet drywall as well as black mold growing.
2. There is a hole in the bedroom wall.
3. Our living room window/wall surrounding it has many problems. There is a large crack above the window. The window sill, as well as the area of the ceiling above the window seems to have some sort of water damage. There is a hint of black mold. And a crack running from the window, to the floor.
4. Our fridge, freezes everything inside it. Then leaks all over the floor.
5. There is the beginning of a crack in the wall beside my stove, which also looks like its expanding.. weird.

Now. This is not the first time we've complained about any of this. But since they've recently changed the Super, we're hoping, HOPING, this guy has a little more care for the health and wellbeing of his tenants, and also JUST MAYBE the fact that all the cracks are starting to make me turn my heat up substantially.

Happy New Years.

2010 - What Will It Bring!

Resolutions are a New Years tradition. And seem to last for no more than a month before the person falls back into familiar comfortable patterns, whether it be a lifestyle change, or a personality change.

Then, once you stop, you feel that failure, the worst kind of failure. Where you havent failed those around you, but yourself. And you make excuses, which turn into more excuses. I dont want to follow that pattern this year.

So this year I'm steering clear of resolutions. I have many hopes for the changes to come this year, but thats what they are. Changes. Not resolutions. Not things I have to do because, god forbid, its a new year and my last year was a failure. Just things I want to see happen, and that although I will try my hardest to do, I will not fault myself if they dont happen.

I'm hoping to accomplish at least the following list...

1. Construct an ACTIVE and REALISTIC plan to manage my PCOS, including but not limited to weightloss, and actually follow through. I will continue seeing my dietitian, and soon return to my physician to discuss the next steps in my journey.
2. Reach, or come close to my goal weight.
3. Learn to love my home, even if it is the one I'm currently in.
4. Kick this energy problem. (I think I will start by reducing my caffeine a great deal, and dragging myself out of bed even if I dont feel functionable in the morning.
5. Begin our trying to conceive journey!! (Most exciting change for me :) )
6. Make the engagement official and finally announce it.
7. Go hiking at least once a month once the weather allows

There is so much more I wish to accomplish, or to begin. That list contains only the most important to me, or the most realistic to my mindset right now.

I think I'm ready. Bring on 2010!

2009 - Reflections Of The Past

I'll cut my reflections into categories, as I have so much to say.

Family

I cannot even begin to touch on this subject. My family has been more than wonderful, and watching H grow has been amazing. I couldn't ask for better and I am enjoying every moment of it. My sister has started college, my brother is getting married next year, and my youngest brother has started kindergarten! So many changes taking place but its been so great watching everyone grow and go in their own directions.

We've welcomed my brothers fiancee with open arms. Shes a wonderful, loving and caring woman, and I couldnt imagine W finding better.

My sister has gone through a tremendously difficult ordeal, and she has remained strong and sturdy through it all. I can't imagine a stronger woman, or a person I look up to more. Shes taught me so much about healing and acceptance than she will ever know.

Its been so good to watch my youngest brother open up and blossom from the quiet shy boy he was before into the social loving dork he is today. I'm sure he will do great things.

H has gotten so big! Its remarkable watching everything she can do, and seeing pictures from even just a year previous. Shes changed and grown so much.

On the complete otherhand, theres my inlaws. Who even on my best day of tolerance I cannot begin to understand. They have proven to be no more than what I first perceived. Manipulative, hateful and cruel. His Nan, and his Aunt seem to be the only two acceptions to that rule, and I'm hoping that doesnt change. As for the rest of them, we still have not heard a nice word from any of them, and to R, that is just proof he made the right decision cutting contact with them those two years ago. He has grown in their absence into a strong willed, supportive and decisive man I am proud to soon call my husband.

Home

We've spent so much time looking for a new apartment, and still have not moved. Everytime I get just on that edge of readiness, something else happens and stalls our plans. Maybe 2010 will be the year.

Finances

Although our savings account has not grown, we've at least gotten a good deal of the debt wiped out ,with just a small amount to be paid remaining. Fixed some issues with the Credit Bureau and have even made some substantial purchases.

Health

This has been a year of ups and downs for me healthwise. As anyone close to me knows I was diagnosed with PCOS in November after a long period of pain and questions that went unanswered.

It was a bittersweet victory, being diagnosed. Although I'm elated to finally know what is wrong with me, its painful knowing that the road to having the family I dream of is going to be long, and possibly littered with failure.

I have lost 12 pounds to the date, although the holidays hindered that somewhat. I cut out white bread and pasta, and have followed a healthy eating regime for more than a month. It helps seeing actual results instead of the yo yoing I'm so accustomed to.

Lets hope 2010 brings so much more..

All Done For Another Year!

Christmas is done and over with. My house is still in shambles from the aftermath. Funny how the day didnt even take place here and I'm still struggling to get this tiny apartment clean.

I love that my family thought to buy us practical items, a dvd stand, a toolbox, a food processor. Now the problem arises when I have to try to find a space to store all of this. I think January will bring a time to clean out the closets and the storage unit. Donate some, sell some and get this place cleaned out and functional. I want to move more than anything but we've been re evaluating whether its smarter to stay here a little longer just to set aside some extra money.

If we do decide to, I'll have to do some redecorating to keep this place tolerable.

H got spoiled, like usual. And R and I got alot as well. Some gift certificates ,and cash. Which will all most likely go to more household objects. Need an area rug for under the computer desk and chair, and possibly a clothes hamper or two for the bedrooms. Definately need a new tv stand, but that will come in a few monthes.

Two Days

Christmas is in two days. TWO! And even though it will be at my mothers, I'm on a cleaning frenzied rant to get this place in order. Why? If we arent having any company at all, am I doing this? Because, for one, with my compulsiveness, and my anxiety, my moods are 100% improved when I'm in a clean organized environment. And two? I know H, R and I will be spoiled as always by my parents. If I dont get it all cleaned and organized now, when we come home on Saturday, I'll be exhausted and not want to do it. I love Christmas but its the last few days beforehand that stress me out.

Christmas? I love Christmas..

...spending hours selecting the perfect gift for someone, and wrapping them beautifully. Watching their face and knowing I could provide even a little piece of joy.

... the smell of Christmas. Candy canes, and baked goods. Turkey, and pine trees.

...waking up Christmas morning and just knowing I have nothing but time to spend with family that day.

...the Santa Claus parade, as freezing as I always am.

...getting new pyjamas just to wear for the holiday

...decorating my tree and apartment. There is nothing more beautiful than a Christmas tree all decorated and lit up.

...Christmas lights!

...sugar cookies

I love the entire holiday season. Seeing my family, enjoying them.

Too much time is spent worrying about everything else all year. I live close to both my parents, as well as my siblings. However seeing them Christmas is so much better than our weekly visits. We're not talking and worrying about finances, upcoming events, planning for things or turmoil. We're actually enjoying one anothers company, without the stress.

Sigh. I love Christmas.

I took another HPT. Negative, like I suspected. Now what is my pleading for? As much as I would LOVE for AF to come so I can actually get on an ovulating, normal cycle, I really would not like to be PMS-y and insane during Christmas.

Christmas!

So this year H and R decided on a new color scheme for our FIRST big tree ever! And we put up our normal baby tree. Here is how it all turned out!

This is the tree in our window. We have a VERY large window with a large window sill which we decorate entirely every year. This is our baby tree. After some of the strands being attacked by the kitty's. Forgive the messiness :D

This is a further out shot of our window, and thats only half of it! Gosh!

Our Main Tree! Purple, green and silver. Turned out perfectly.

I love my decorations. Its almost a shame we'll be at my Moms Christmas morning instead of here enjoying them. More pics after Christmas, be sure of it!