2010 - What Will It Bring!

Resolutions are a New Years tradition. And seem to last for no more than a month before the person falls back into familiar comfortable patterns, whether it be a lifestyle change, or a personality change.

Then, once you stop, you feel that failure, the worst kind of failure. Where you havent failed those around you, but yourself. And you make excuses, which turn into more excuses. I dont want to follow that pattern this year.

So this year I'm steering clear of resolutions. I have many hopes for the changes to come this year, but thats what they are. Changes. Not resolutions. Not things I have to do because, god forbid, its a new year and my last year was a failure. Just things I want to see happen, and that although I will try my hardest to do, I will not fault myself if they dont happen.

I'm hoping to accomplish at least the following list...

1. Construct an ACTIVE and REALISTIC plan to manage my PCOS, including but not limited to weightloss, and actually follow through. I will continue seeing my dietitian, and soon return to my physician to discuss the next steps in my journey.
2. Reach, or come close to my goal weight.
3. Learn to love my home, even if it is the one I'm currently in.
4. Kick this energy problem. (I think I will start by reducing my caffeine a great deal, and dragging myself out of bed even if I dont feel functionable in the morning.
5. Begin our trying to conceive journey!! (Most exciting change for me :) )
6. Make the engagement official and finally announce it.
7. Go hiking at least once a month once the weather allows

There is so much more I wish to accomplish, or to begin. That list contains only the most important to me, or the most realistic to my mindset right now.

I think I'm ready. Bring on 2010!

2009 - Reflections Of The Past

I'll cut my reflections into categories, as I have so much to say.

Family

I cannot even begin to touch on this subject. My family has been more than wonderful, and watching H grow has been amazing. I couldn't ask for better and I am enjoying every moment of it. My sister has started college, my brother is getting married next year, and my youngest brother has started kindergarten! So many changes taking place but its been so great watching everyone grow and go in their own directions.

We've welcomed my brothers fiancee with open arms. Shes a wonderful, loving and caring woman, and I couldnt imagine W finding better.

My sister has gone through a tremendously difficult ordeal, and she has remained strong and sturdy through it all. I can't imagine a stronger woman, or a person I look up to more. Shes taught me so much about healing and acceptance than she will ever know.

Its been so good to watch my youngest brother open up and blossom from the quiet shy boy he was before into the social loving dork he is today. I'm sure he will do great things.

H has gotten so big! Its remarkable watching everything she can do, and seeing pictures from even just a year previous. Shes changed and grown so much.

On the complete otherhand, theres my inlaws. Who even on my best day of tolerance I cannot begin to understand. They have proven to be no more than what I first perceived. Manipulative, hateful and cruel. His Nan, and his Aunt seem to be the only two acceptions to that rule, and I'm hoping that doesnt change. As for the rest of them, we still have not heard a nice word from any of them, and to R, that is just proof he made the right decision cutting contact with them those two years ago. He has grown in their absence into a strong willed, supportive and decisive man I am proud to soon call my husband.

Home

We've spent so much time looking for a new apartment, and still have not moved. Everytime I get just on that edge of readiness, something else happens and stalls our plans. Maybe 2010 will be the year.

Finances

Although our savings account has not grown, we've at least gotten a good deal of the debt wiped out ,with just a small amount to be paid remaining. Fixed some issues with the Credit Bureau and have even made some substantial purchases.

Health

This has been a year of ups and downs for me healthwise. As anyone close to me knows I was diagnosed with PCOS in November after a long period of pain and questions that went unanswered.

It was a bittersweet victory, being diagnosed. Although I'm elated to finally know what is wrong with me, its painful knowing that the road to having the family I dream of is going to be long, and possibly littered with failure.

I have lost 12 pounds to the date, although the holidays hindered that somewhat. I cut out white bread and pasta, and have followed a healthy eating regime for more than a month. It helps seeing actual results instead of the yo yoing I'm so accustomed to.

Lets hope 2010 brings so much more..

All Done For Another Year!

Christmas is done and over with. My house is still in shambles from the aftermath. Funny how the day didnt even take place here and I'm still struggling to get this tiny apartment clean.

I love that my family thought to buy us practical items, a dvd stand, a toolbox, a food processor. Now the problem arises when I have to try to find a space to store all of this. I think January will bring a time to clean out the closets and the storage unit. Donate some, sell some and get this place cleaned out and functional. I want to move more than anything but we've been re evaluating whether its smarter to stay here a little longer just to set aside some extra money.

If we do decide to, I'll have to do some redecorating to keep this place tolerable.

H got spoiled, like usual. And R and I got alot as well. Some gift certificates ,and cash. Which will all most likely go to more household objects. Need an area rug for under the computer desk and chair, and possibly a clothes hamper or two for the bedrooms. Definately need a new tv stand, but that will come in a few monthes.

Two Days

Christmas is in two days. TWO! And even though it will be at my mothers, I'm on a cleaning frenzied rant to get this place in order. Why? If we arent having any company at all, am I doing this? Because, for one, with my compulsiveness, and my anxiety, my moods are 100% improved when I'm in a clean organized environment. And two? I know H, R and I will be spoiled as always by my parents. If I dont get it all cleaned and organized now, when we come home on Saturday, I'll be exhausted and not want to do it. I love Christmas but its the last few days beforehand that stress me out.

Christmas? I love Christmas..

...spending hours selecting the perfect gift for someone, and wrapping them beautifully. Watching their face and knowing I could provide even a little piece of joy.

... the smell of Christmas. Candy canes, and baked goods. Turkey, and pine trees.

...waking up Christmas morning and just knowing I have nothing but time to spend with family that day.

...the Santa Claus parade, as freezing as I always am.

...getting new pyjamas just to wear for the holiday

...decorating my tree and apartment. There is nothing more beautiful than a Christmas tree all decorated and lit up.

...Christmas lights!

...sugar cookies

I love the entire holiday season. Seeing my family, enjoying them.

Too much time is spent worrying about everything else all year. I live close to both my parents, as well as my siblings. However seeing them Christmas is so much better than our weekly visits. We're not talking and worrying about finances, upcoming events, planning for things or turmoil. We're actually enjoying one anothers company, without the stress.

Sigh. I love Christmas.

I took another HPT. Negative, like I suspected. Now what is my pleading for? As much as I would LOVE for AF to come so I can actually get on an ovulating, normal cycle, I really would not like to be PMS-y and insane during Christmas.

Christmas!

So this year H and R decided on a new color scheme for our FIRST big tree ever! And we put up our normal baby tree. Here is how it all turned out!

This is the tree in our window. We have a VERY large window with a large window sill which we decorate entirely every year. This is our baby tree. After some of the strands being attacked by the kitty's. Forgive the messiness :D

This is a further out shot of our window, and thats only half of it! Gosh!

Our Main Tree! Purple, green and silver. Turned out perfectly.

I love my decorations. Its almost a shame we'll be at my Moms Christmas morning instead of here enjoying them. More pics after Christmas, be sure of it!

To Go or Not To Go!

I am having an internal debate over this subject. I cant decide whether I should wait this out or call the office and make an appointment. My symptoms are changing daily, and I cant seem to even begin to figure out what it is thats affecting me. So how to I explain this to a doctor? Besides, maybe, it'll go away with time. I really dont want to be at the doctors when instead I should be super excited for Christmas.

On the other hand, what if it is something somewhat serious, or having to do with my condition?

I am however going to make a list of symptoms here, just so I dont forget in case I do decide to go.

• no show period (somewhat normal for me, but I'll include it)
• weird muscle pain from my sides to my abdomen
• back pain (low in my back, similar to the backpain I get during AF)
• spotting about a week and a half ago
• more recent - clear mucus'y discharge
• exhaustion

That combined with the Metformin symptoms, I'm ready to just sleep all week. I'm happy but physically feeling miserable. Yuck.

On a brighter note. Christmas is in a week! Our tree is up and decorated. Purple green and silver. I'll post pics sometime this week. But Christmas will not be here this year. It will be at my Mom's place. Two nights in her spare room, but I'm looking forward to it. We have H for Christmas Eve/Christmas day this year. And its R's first Christmas morning with her so its going to be a great time. I cannot wait.

Christmas Love to everyone!

Plans and Randomness

Well, my nausea has been replaced with insane cramps. Somewhat like period cramps but further up in my stomach. Its been on and off all day. The hot bath I took earlier seemed to ease the pain, but its still mild. Just enough to be annoying. Other than that I'm just feeling drained. I'm tired. I cant seem to get the energy to do anything, and I still have alot to do before Christmas.

R is still hoping like hell that this lack of a period is pregnancy. I keep trying to tell him he's insane. He should know by now that me being late is never a sign of anything good, thats how we figured this out isnt it? But he's hopeful. He wants more children so bad. I feel like such a failure that I'm having such a hard time providing them. He's good about it, but he cant hide the disappointment some days. I cant wait for the day I can finally show him a positive test.

As strange as this is, I've come to think of my not-yet-conceived child as Peanut. Since my miscarriage all those days ago I've had so many dreams of P. Mostly just conversations, weird signs of things that are going to happen. Its comforting in a way, to know somewhere, Peanut is waiting for me, for my body to be ready, and to finally be in my arms where they belong.

R and I have worked out a rough plan for our conceiving plans. We are going to:

• try conceiving naturally for the next two years, with no help
• start medication for fertility after our wedding in 2012
• if that fails, we'll begin looking into our next options
• IF by some god given mistake we dont ever conceive after exhausting all options, we'll look into adoption.

We want a family of our own, and if adoption turns out to be our only choice, then we're okay with that. We just dont want to give up without giving it our all.

Other than all that, we're hoping to move this upcoming year! I cannot wait to be in a bigger place. Even though it'll still only be renting for now, I just want a place thats bigger than this. To give H more room to play, to give me a bigger kitchen. I love cooking and being in the kitchen but ours is so tiny its frustrating. Its hard to be creative when I'm eating healthy when just getting into my kitchen depresses me. And on top of all that, if we got pregnant by chance in the next two years, there is absolutely no room in here for a baby. The bedrooms are too tiny, both ours and H's. Theres not even room for a bassinet, let alone a crib. So we're loooking for a bigger 2 bedroom after Christmas. We ideally want a three bedroom when we get pregnant but that could be years from now, so we just want a two bedroom big enough to be used if a surprise pregnancy DOES occur. And big enough where I can be a hostess without having people cramped in our tiny living room.

Its going to be a year of changes. My diet has changed drastically. Not to say I'm on a diet, but everything I"m eating has changed due to what my stomach can and cannot handle on the Metformin. In March, R has hinted at getting me a Wii and Wii Fit Plus for my birthday, so that will be nice for my workouts. I do alot of yoga, but I'd like to find a new workout so I'm not getting so bored.

If R doesnt get his promotion in January like promised he'll be looking for a new job. Which means a shaky transition period that I'm hoping will take place BEFORE we move instead of afterwards. I want our finances in good standing before moving to a place that will cost us more money.

I suppose that is all for now.

Random Ramble

I'm not feeling insanely well today.

I had some weird spotting about a week and a half ago, and today my period is due. So far no show. I'm exhausted again, after being super energetic for the past four days, and my nausea is crazy bad.

Some people have suggested pregnancy but I just feel like I'm sick. Like I could sleep for 48 hours and still wake up tired.

I'm trying to get the house cleaned out for Christmas, and so far its going slow. We still have alot of my aunts stuff stored here until we manage to sell it, and that makes it hard to even make the house look clean. Its a small apartment, and cluttered as all hell. I cannot. CANNOT wait until we get a bigger place.

Speaking of a bigger place, R has promised we will get on a few waiting lists and really start looking for a new place in the spring, once we know where he stands with the promotion, and if he's going to be looking for a new job. The thought of it has me so excited. Redecorating, actually having an apartment or townhome that we have room to move in instead of being so cluttered. Painting! PAINTING!!

Christmas is at moms like usual this year. Already lugged one box of gifts out there, now only have one box, and whatever we buy last minute to bring it out.

Boxing Day after R is done work will be out at his Nan's house. I'm having mixed feelings about that, as I can already feel that something will go awry. And I know R will not stand for the other family members being there after we've already voiced our distaste with the way we've been treated repeatedly by them. So hopefully they follow his wishes and all goes smoothly. Otherwise it could turn into a holiday drama that I'd rather avoid.

Well its been awhile, so this will be a long post.

I promised more information on PCOS this time, so I'll start with that.

PCOS - Polycystic Ovary Syndrome
(the following information is taken from the Mayo Clinic website found here)

Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is the most common hormonal disorder among women of reproductive age. The name of the condition comes from the appearance of the ovaries in most, but not all, women with the disorder — enlarged and containing numerous small cysts located along the outer edge of each ovary (polycystic appearance).

Infrequent or prolonged menstrual periods, excess hair growth, acne and obesity can all occur in women with polycystic ovary syndrome. Menstrual abnormality may signal the condition in adolescence, or PCOS may become apparent later following weight gain or difficulty becoming pregnant.

The exact cause of polycystic ovary syndrome is unknown. Women with polycystic ovary syndrome may have trouble becoming pregnant due to infrequent or lack of ovulation. Early diagnosis and treatment of polycystic ovary syndrome can help reduce the risk of long-term complications, such as type 2 diabetes, heart disease and stroke.

So thats it. Combined with my large family history of type 2 diabetes, its not a good place to be in, health wise.

After I found out, it took me a few days to process. R has wanted children since we got together. He wants a large family, and the thought of not being able to provide him with his dream shattered me. I cried, I felt broken. I couldnt quite come to terms with the diagnosis. It took a few weeks, and alot of researching to really decide I want to take control and not let this disease control me.

So that is what I've done. I have started Metformin. 500 mg twice a day until my body adjusts and then the dosage will increase. For the first week I was horribly affected. In the bathroom at least 50% of my day. Slowly I began to cut out the foods I knew triggered the side effects to be worse, and now they are mild, if at all, even if I splurge on a treat now and then.

I saw the dietitian, who has given me the Food Guide as a reference, and requested I keep a food journal until I return. Combined with walking everyday, if not exercising another way as well.

I've joined SoulCysters, which really has been my emotional lifesaver. Having other girls to talk to who have gone through the same thing, or are just beginning as I am has been amazing for my sanity. And reading the stories of people who have learned to manage, who have conceived and who have gotten their dreams has uplifted my spirits. I dont feel half as hopeless anymore, and I feel like maybe I can do this, I can overcome.

I've lost 7 lbs last weight check. Still a long way to go. But, its a start that I'm proud of.

Christmas is going to be hard, with all the goodies around, to not overdo it. But I'm not depriving myself of holiday treats, just going to attempt moderation and stay strict when I am at home.
My shopping is almost done, the tree is up, and R is finally getting excited. Him and H (his daughter) had been making Christmas plans and writing letters and cards the whole last weekend she was here.

Its looking up.

My other emotional hill to overcome at the moment, is the absolute fear I have at the thought of being pregnant. Now, dont get me wrong. I want to be a mother with everything I am. But, because of the miscarriage 6 years ago, I'm terrified that being pregnant will bring everything from that event back to me. The nightmares of the attack, his face, after I've worked so hard to forget it all.

The Beginning

It all began to come together this week. What is it you may ask? Let me start from the beginning.

I have been on birth control since I was fifteen. My menstrual cycle was as regulated as could be. Every month like clockwork, three days and I was finished.

After living with R for little over a year, we decided, together, that I would stop taking my birth control and we would just take things as they came. Both of us want a family and if we had become pregnant it definately would not have been a disappointment.

Shortly after going off birth control my periods became irregular. And by irregular I dont mean a few days extra in my cycle. Instead, I would go three monthes or more without menstruating at all, and when I finally did, they would last anywhere from two weeks to a month.

Now at first I was not alarmed. The doctor who had put me on the birth control in the first place had told me that when I went off my body would go through an adjustment period. But after six monthes and only two periods, I became somewhat concerned. I questioned my doctor who told me, again, that it was normal and my system would readjust myself. That doctor soon moved from my city and I was left without a family doctor.

Fast forward two monthes. I had mild pain low in my pelvis that had lasted about a week. Then on Valentines day, romantic evening at home with the love. Sitting on the couch watching a movie and enjoying chocolate covered strawberries (my guilty pleasure :D). The mild pain developed into severe stabbing pain. R rushed me to the emergency room.

We sat in the hospital for six hours. And, after the doctor felt my stomach, told me the probability was that I had developed shingles and to come back in two days if I developed a rash. He told me the skipped menstruation and pain were not related and that everything was fine. Seeing as how I was in pain so severe I couldnt see, I didnt see how this was possible, but by this time it was 4am and I was much too tired to argue with a arrogant man. R was concerned but respected my wishes to go home and sleep through the pain.

We returned to the emergency room two monthes later. My period had not shown up, and although the pain was gone, I was exhausted, listless and had gained almost fifty pounds. Something had to be done, and seeing as how I was still without a doctor, the emergency room was again my only option.

They sent me to the Womens Clinic. Where I was given a pregnancy test, which came back negative. The WC then sent me to a walk in clinic to be further investigated. Intake at the WIC gave me another pregnancy test, which, of course came back negative. I was told I was definately pregnant, and that the test was a false negative. Once I was put into the hospital room, the doctors forgot we were there. R went out after two hours, requesting an estimated time when we would be seen and they stated "What room are you in?? Everyone has been seen." By this point I was more than irritated, so when the doctor entered the room and told me I was to do another urine pregnancy test. I snapped at her, telling her its obvious to me I'm not pregnant, why cant anyone else see it. She proceeded to tell me it was the only explanation for my symptoms and I did the third urine test of the day. Surprise surprise it was negative. I was sent home, told it was most likely a virus and would pass.

I finally have a new family physician. And recently have noticed not alot, but unusual hair growth I havent had before, acne (I have never had a problem with my skin), and have continued gaining weight. When my period was late this time, I emailed my physicians office and just asked, if maybe this was a reason to be concerned. I was told to come in at the earliest possible date, and made an appointment for three days later.

My doctor knew almost immediately what the problem was, just by listening to me like no one else had previously. I was given a prescription for Provera for when its been three monthes without menstruation, and a sheet for a blood work up. She told me when I go back after my bloodwork I will be prescribed Metformin, to help regulate and assist in my weightloss. I was immediately referred to a dietitian and told my weight had to decrease or my symptoms would get worse.

Who would have thought that maybe my body wasnt adjusting itself, and maybe I had a real illness. Certainly not the six doctors I saw before her. So here I am, twenty two, and embarking on the journey that will determine the quality of the rest of my life.

I've been diagnosed with PCOS. Polycystic Ovary Syndrome to be exact. More information on the syndrome to come in the next post. I'll get into the technicals, the emotionals, and just how its affected me so far.

And this blog will follow my trials with medication, weight loss, and figuring out my new life.